Testing
by HeathenVampires
Summary: Modern AU. Left mostly alone as university begins to wind down post-exams, an incident with uncooperative butter and a forgotten DVD leads Astrid to roping in the two nearest available males for a test of their own. Hiccup/Astrid/Eret Hicretstrid one shot.


**Oh look more Hicretstrid smut while I have major needs for Hicretstrid-based interactions for HTTYD3 GIVE ME MY GOOD NOODLE.**

 **From the "accidental sex" prompt list (that also spawned _Vibes, Shades, Prowess, Experiences_ and _Nice_ if you read those) and the prompts are "haha that thing they do in porn is so corny no way that's actually hot oh wait it is" + "friends can totally watch porn together and nothing happens... no they can't"**

 **Hiccup/Eret/Astrid**

-HTTYD-

 **"FREEDOM!"**

Astrid shouted as she entered the suite's common room, and dropped her book bag next to the others. Eret raised his head tiredly from where he was sprawled in one of the beanbag chairs and gave her a flat look.

"Not so loud."

He chided her. She gave her suitemate a smirk.

"What's wrong, Eret? Veterinary final eat you alive?"

He chuckled as Astrid imitated a growling animal.

"Nope. That was my Literature exam."

Astrid hummed, raised her arms and stretched.

"Too many 'thee's and 'thou's?"

She asked, her spine making a series of pops as she tilted backwards against the wall.

"'Chaucer's pilgrims were each identifiable archetypes to his contemporary audiences. Select three of the pilgrims and detail how these archetypes have evolved through the centuries to the modern era and their use in contemporary media, with examples of their modern descendants,'"

He quoted, deadpan. Astrid gave him a sidelong look.

"I'm not even sure that was a question and not some kind of ritual to summon a long-dead playwrite. Oh, you poor thing" with a thought, she grinned. "I know where Ruff keeps her booze. Want a drink? She won't mind. Alcohol is the answer to almost all exam problems. Except studying."

The upperclassman dorm floor was a fairly close-knit group of friends, and while they had their issues at times, generally they got along. Ruffnut was sweet on Eret and she lived in the next suite over, so she definitely wouldn't care. At the moment, though, it was just Astrid, Hiccup, and Eret left in their suite—and practically the whole floor—with the others having gone off on their study leave/exam leave already. Eret shook his head, grimacing.

"First, I don't want a drink. Second, I wouldn't trust the labels on those bottles. And third, Hiccup is getting ready to bake cookies."

"He is?" Astrid turned and walked the few feet to the suite's small kitchenette to find Hiccup surrounded by ingredients "what's this?"

She asked; Hiccup grinned as he answered cheerfully.

"Celebrating finishing my physics exam with some edible chemistry."

"What, are they going to be pot cookies?"

He shook his head, frowning.

"And ruin the taste? Not a chance. I just felt like having cookies, there were ingredients that I didn't want to leave for nearly a month, and the campus store is already closed."

She eyed the mixing bowl and licked her lips.

"Can I get some too?"

"Of course," he said with a grin. "It'll be a while, though; the butter has to soften."

He motioned to the bowl which was filled with diced yellow chunks. Astrid pouted, but supposed he couldn't control the structural integrity of butter.

"No worries, I'm patient."

Both Hiccup and Eret scoffed at that.

"Hey!"

"Astrid, two nights ago, you were stalking in front of the microwave, telling it to cook your noodles faster!"

She crossed her arms, pouting.

"I was hungry! It takes lots of fuel to make the brain-meats run!"

They continued bantering as she returned to the common area, Hiccup following her.

"So, while we wait, movie?"

Eret gave a thumbs up.

"Something with a stupid plot and lots of action, please."

Astrid chuckled.

"I think we can manage that,"

She picked up the remote and turned on the TV, planning on hitting Netflix. Something else was already on though, kicking to life when the screen flickered on. Astrid felt her eyebrows rise at the sight of the porn movie already playing.

"Well, _whose_ is this?"

Hiccup was trying to keep from laughing but only half-succeeding, but managed to get out an answer.

"Don't look at me! My guess? Snot's. He was in here last night while I was studying."

Astrid eyed the trio—two men and a woman—busy humping away and shook her head before hitting pause on the remote. And then an evil grin grew across her face.

"Hey, Eret?"

"Yeah?"

She hit the rewind.

"Does _this_ qualify as 'stupid plot with lots of action'?"

He got up from his beanbag and shuffled over, rubbing his tired eyes. Astrid watched his face furrow in confusion, seeing a very relaxed environment of a woman - complete with too-small blouse barely holding together over her chest, naturally - sat in her kitchen, her actions overexaggerated as she wrote out a shopping list Astrid strongly doubted included the later events of the movie. It had been on very quietly, probably an effort on Snot's part to not announce to Hiccup or anyone else nearby that he was watching porn. So maybe Eret hadn't heard anything.

"Uh... what? Oh wait. Is this porn?"

"Yep!"

Eret threw Astrid a very confused look.

"And you're excited about that because..."

"You wanted action with stupid plot. So sit."

He still didn't look all that sure, turning to Hiccup for some form of logic interjected to the situation.

"I'm not watching porn with you!"

"Since when were you so shy? Come on. Friends can watch porn and it not be weird. I'm curious about how this is meant to go."

"Are you suggesting we - all three of us - watch a porno for the _story?_ "

Seeing that both Eret and Hiccup were looking a little flustered, Astrid pretended to think about it.

"Yep. Unless you boys can't handle it. Come on, this stuff is so corny anyway, how is it even sexy?"

"I take it you don't watch porn?"

Eret was clearly hoping Astrid would join them in slight embarrassment; he was to be disappointed.

"No. I have an imagination. Much better. You watching? Or are you too scared?"

Heaving a great sigh, Eret rolled his eyes and circled the sofa, coming to sit on Astrid's other side. She bit back a giggle at how the boys were unintentionally sort of emulating the movie. Settling in to amuse herself at their discomfort, Astrid hit play again and turned the volume up. The woman resumed writing her list with excessive flourish, making sure to check out her own cleavage in surprise when the door knocked.

"And today on my shopping list is two ridiculously big penises and probably not enough foreplay."

Eret snorted, shaking his head as Hiccup muffled laughter into his hand.

"Are you gonna do that the whole way through?"

"Would you prefer I sat quietly so you can enjoy all the fake moaning?"

"Well, no. I just wanted to be prepared to see Hiccup burst a blood vessel."

"Eat me, Eret."

The woman had opened the door, to two too-old-to-be-playing-teenagers who were, apparently, friends of her son. Such good friends they didn't know her son wasn't home, but as she was a lovely, accomodating lady, she invited them in to wait while they unsubtly checked out her tight clothes.

"If I was a guy and you were two teenage girls, I'd probably be arrested but this is totally alright. And it's not like you boys even look seventeen, you're clearly both twenty five at least. Yes, even you in the cap."

Eret and, after a few minutes, Hiccup joined in with the mocking of the bad porn dialogue, right up until the first zipper was undone and the woman had "ooops"-ed her way into blowing one of her sons friends. There wasn't really much said other than "oh man, he'd be so mad!" and "what about your husband?" and Astrid imagined that if the lady could speak around the overly large penis in her mouth, she'd probably say some male-fantasy tripe about how her husband was unsatisfying or something...

Eret was looking a little uncomfortable now, and Astrid could see a flush creeping up Hiccup's neck out of the corner of her eye. Both the not-teenagers were groping the lady like they'd never seen a boob before in their lives, with that slightly creepy open-mouthed expression that made them look like fish. She wasn't sure if it was supposed to be sexy, but Astrid had certainly never seen such an expression on _her_ sexual partners faces.

The clothes came off incredibly quickly and with none of the awkward fumbling of real life, the two men both fully undressing while sat on the sofa.

"It would be much quicker to just... stand up. I guess all the blood in their brain has been stolen by viagra."

"Uh-huh."

"Mhmm."

When Astrid glanced either side of her, they were both shifting a bit, arms conveniently covering their laps from her view. Grinning to herself, she settled in to see how long before one of them cracked. There was a lot of "oooooh" and "ahhhhh" and no visible lubricant whatsoever when she was suddenly _so_ eager to have them both at the same time, no discussion about who was going where - they just magically knew!

Astrid wouldn't deny a mild level of curiousity as she watched - she'd had sex, she'd even had (and _enjoyed)_ anal sex. But never _together._ Still, as she watched the porn stars face twisted into all sorts of exaggerated expressions, the _screaming_ either fake or of pain as she was jackhammered by both right away, Astrid couldn't really work out if it was something she definitely wanted to try. She felt a little warm thinking about it though... it had been a few weeks since she'd gotten laid, she mused. Exam stress had left no time for finding a new fuck buddy, and her last one had started getting clingy and possessive so that went out the window.

So clearly she just needed to get some. And, judging by the flexing of Hiccup's hand as he gripped hard on the side of his own leg, Eret's knuckles white on the arm of the sofa, she probably wasn't the only one.

"That can't be... I mean I guess it's meant to look good for the camera, but it can't really be _good_ can it?"

Hiccup's voice was probably an octave higher than usual, but Astrid was surprised how clear his words came out all the same.

"Yeah, it looks like it's more for them than her."

Eret tacked on, and Astrid was struck with a brilliant, terrible and kind of hot idea...

"Want to give it a go?"

She'd never heard a noise like Hiccup's choked gasp of shock, spluttering like she'd literally stripped off and mounted him then and there.

Not that she'd never _considered_ it... he was hot, in that wiry, nerdy, sassy way of his. And Eret... he was broad and strong and funny. Astrid wouldn't have kicked him out of bed either.

Yep, Astrid definitely needed to get laid.

Eret was a little more capable of speech, but still clearly surprised.

"Excuse me?"

"What? I'm curious. I have two available men. You're horny. So's he" she pointed her thumb over her shoulder at Hiccup "and I'm like, kinda horny and kinda curious. Nobody else is around."

"You're... serious?"

Astrid shrugged.

"Well, you can go jerk off in your rooms if you _want._ But yanno... the offer is there. Assuming Hiccup doesn't have a heart attack."

The movie was still going in the background, grunting and screaming and Astrid wondered if they were going to watch it to the inevitable end of ejaculating on her face and/or chest. Probably right after her fake orgasm.

"I uh... I'm gonna just-"

"Wait a minute!" Astrid pounced on Hiccup before he could escape, pinning him down to the sofa "where do you think you're going?"

Eret was giggling in the background - Astrid got the feeling he didn't need more convincing. Hiccup on the other hand... Astrid leaping on him hadn't dissauded his arousal any. It was probably only luck Astrid hadn't kneed him somewhere _sensitive._

"Astrid! What are you doing?"

"Well, I'm stopping you leaving, what does it look like?"

He was looking anywhere except down Astrid's shirt. Which Astrid reckoned meant he actually _wanted_ to look down her shirt.

"And why are you doing that?"

"Because _you_ didn't answer my question."

"What question?"

Lifting slightly up, Astrid twisted on his lap and pointed to the TV, where the three people were still merrily humping away.

"Want to give it a go?"

"Astrid, that's not- I mean, uh. Stop it!"

"Come on H, it only works if there's three of us!"

She cocked her head, observing Hiccup and wondered if his hesitation was something else entirely.

"Hiccup, I'm looking for a fuck, not a marriage proposal. I wanna blow off steam from exams... and pass the time until you bake cookies. This doesn't have to change our friendship. But if you _don't_ _want to,_ then just say so. I won't be offended. I'll just have to go find someone else since I don't think Eret has _any_ reservations."

"Nope! I'm on board."

Hiccup's face creased in thought, looking up at Astrid as though trying to work out something science-y.

"You're serious about this not changing our friendship?"

"Yep. Unless you suddenly fall madly in love with me... then we might have a hiccup or two in the rhythm."

He glared, like he always did when Astrid used his nickname in a different context with her Yes I Just Did That grin in place. Then he went back to thinking-face.

"I think I'll be fine."

"Is that a yes?"

After a second - she sensed Hiccup was a little nervous, probably worried Astrid was setting him up for a punch to the arm - he nodded.

"Yeah. But uh... what if like, it turns out to just be terrible for you?"

Astrid rolled her shoulders in a half shrug.

"Then we'll stop and figure something else out. Somehow I doubt _that"_ she gestured at the video "is the only way to play as three."

Seeing his hesitation fade at last, Astrid did an internal fist pump of triumph. She hopped out of his lap, dragging Hiccup to his feet and directing him to go stand next to Eret.

"What's this?"

"Drop your bottoms, I need to see who's bigger."

"Uh... why, exactly?"

Astrid crossed her arms. _Men!_ She indicated to the still-playing porno.

"Because I'm thinking that whichever of you is smaller is going in the back, for my own comfort."

Still looking a tad unsure, Hiccup only did it when he realised Eret already had his zipper down. She wondered if either of them were sort of hoping they were smaller. She also found it amusing how suddenly obedient they were, worried that making Astrid mad would lose them the chance to get her naked.

"This might be the weirdest thing I've ever done to get laid."

"Really?"

Eret tapped his inked chin, thinking.

"Actually no. But that's a story for another time."

Astrid might have taken a little longer than strictly necessary to appraise both men, but that was between her and her inner pervert, she decided. Hiccup was a little shorter, but thicker, and weighing the options and experience she already had, she was pretty sure she knew.

"Eret, you're in back."

Hiccup made to do himself back up, but Astrid halted him and shoved him down on the nearest chair, kneeling on the floor before twisting to look at Eret.

"Go grab the condoms out of my bedside drawer? Lube too. Definitely lube. And for the love of gods, turn that off?"

Eret didn't need asking twice, but Hiccup looked like he could use a little encouragement. And Astrid wanted... oh yes, she wanted. He gasped as her mouth surrounded him, Eret's footsteps bringing him back in but he seemed quite content to watch the show. Without the background noise of porn, Hiccup's ragged panting was much louder and kinda hot. Astrid definitely needed foreplay before she took them both, but she enjoyed the sloppy blowjob for what it was until Hiccup gripped her hair, pulling her off him with a whimper, dilated pupils and reddened cheeks telling that he was desperately turned on now.

"Problem?"

"I uh.. more like _too_ good?"

Seeming more confident in the fact things were moving, Eret had hands on Astrid by the time she stood up, sliding his fingers under the hem of her t-shirt. Bolstered, Hiccup rose too, leaning forward slowly until Astrid grabbed his t-shirt, dragged him into a kiss as Eret stroked the side of her waist, raising goosebumps over her skin despite the warmth she felt being stood between them.

 _A girl could get used to this._

Eret pulled up her top, Astrid raising her arms to let him take it off, Hiccup's hands on her bare stomach before the fabric hit the floor. Lips on her neck, fingers on the fastening of her bottoms. She pushed at Hiccup's top, felt Eret let her go and heard more clothing hit the floor behind her. The heat of erections pushed against her front and back, one hand unhooking her bra and another peeling it off of her.

If Hiccup or Eret were uncomfortable being that close to another guy, they weren't showing it. Then again, Astrid was offering them no-strings sex. They probably didn't _care_ that much. And it definitely wouldn't surprise her if Eret swung both ways... he was a wildcard like that.

They stumbled toward the sofa, Hiccup down first and cursing as his waistband caught around his knees, soon distracted by Astrid crawling on top of him and kissing him; she liked kissing, it was a good warm-up. She pointedly moved back to her feet to kick off her jeans and underwear, Hiccup wriggling his off without her on top of him now. Eret licked her neck, letting out a chuckle when Astrid squirmed and giggled, shaking her head at him in exasperation when he feigned innocence as she looked round.

"Where'd you put the stuff?"

"Oh" he leant down to his already-discarded shorts "here."

Astrid tossed the condoms on the nearby table, shoved the lube back at Eret and climbed back on top of Hiccup, who was already eyeing her like he couldn't really believe she was naked on top of him.

"Unlike she who appears to not know what foreplay is, I'm gonna need a little work first boys."

"Aye aye boss."

Eret was grinning, holding lube as Astrid gestured for him to climb on up behind her. Hiccup was still looking a little dazed, so Astrid grabbed his hands and placed one on her breast, the other on her inner thigh.

Hiccup got the message pretty quick after that.

His long, narrow fingers were quick to worm their way between her legs, stroking her clit as his other hand squeezed and thumbed her nipple, green eyes wide with want as Astrid moaned in pleasure; it really had been _way_ too long. Her nerves lit up with the feel of a touch that wasn't her own, pushing her hips into his hand, tremor rolling through her when Hiccup curled his fingers up inside her, finding the spot that made her legs shake and her mouth part on a needy whine.

"You ready for me Astrid?"

Eret asked after watching her riding Hiccup's fingers for a while, wet and wanting by then and she nodded eagerly at him. The lid of the lube bottle clicked open, Eret's dry hand landing on her shoulder to steady Astrid - or maybe himself - before his slick-coated fingers were brushing against her, sensitive enough that she shivered lightly from that.

"You've done this before right? Anal, I mean."

"Mhmm. I like it. Just be thorough, but not too rough."

"Got it."

Increasingly turned on by the whole "two guys focused on me" thing - Astrid hadn't realised that was one of her kinks until just then - she was panting, squirming between them by the time they both had two fingers each pressed into her, moving back and forth in a tempting tease of what was to come, her thighs tight around Hiccup's hips.

"Ok. M'ready."

"How... how do we do this? Logistically speaking."

Astrid contemplated how best she would likely be able to relax, to accommodate them both and not all end up knocking knees or something.

"Hey, rubber up H."

Eret tossed a condom over Astrid's shoulder, which landed square in the middle of Hiccup's chest and earned a giggle from Astrid. Hiccup gave himself a few tugs before rolling the latex on himself, similar sounds behind her telling that Eret was doing pretty much the same.

"If you can relax like it, then I think like" Eret moved her "this would probably work best?"

Astrid nodded after a minute, wriggling closer to Eret behind her.

"Works."

After more lube was slicked over Eret's condom, Astrid moved again, leaning back into Eret as he edged himself into her inch by inch, lowering her down in an inelegant position that meant all three were kneeling, Eret holding most of her weight until his hand slipped on her sweaty skin. The cushions sank beneath her knees, dropping her down a little sharply onto him. She gasped, twitching at the suddenness but when Eret made to lift her, Astrid halted him.

"I'm ok. Just... I'd say get the sofa sorted but then we'd have to explain how it got messed up."

Eret snickered, hands resting on her hips as Astrid shifted, raised herself up and down a little to get used to him. The sting was fading, replaced by that intense tingle that seemed to fill her entire body, stealing her breath. This close to finding out, Astrid had bypassed unsure straight to ridiculously turned on and anticipating. After she felt more settled with Eret, she beckoned Hiccup over, it taking him a minute to work out where to put his knees and Astrid felt a laugh bubble up in her chest, remembering how she'd mocked the magical know-how of the porn movie.

She _didn't_ laugh at Hiccup, wanting him to focus on what he was doing. The angle was a little tight at first, but soon enough Astrid felt him guiding himself in and she felt her whole body tighten, clutching at Hiccup's shoulders as she fought to draw in air.

"Ohhhh gods, oh-gods-oh-gods..."

"Astrid? You ok?"

"Mmmm. J-just wait a sec-fuck, that's..."

Her voice didn't really seem to want to obey her, the feel of them both stretching and filling her so completely leaving her mind utterly blank. It was too much and not enough all at once; she needed them to stay still, needed them to _move,_ needed their hands on her and needed time to process what she was already feeling all at the same time. Finally managing to draw in a few ragged breaths, Astrid sank back into Eret's chest again.

"Ok. G-go slow."

Their rhythm was clumsy, unco-ordinated; this was as new to them as it was to Astrid. and by how close they felt inside her, she reckoned they could feel each other to some extent too. Hiccup's cock moved in long, steady strokes when he found his stride, Eret feeling _impossibly_ deep each time his hips came flush to her backside. After a stuttering start, they began to work in a sort of tandem, dragging against each other on the back-and-forth, one pushing in as the other pulled out.

She liked the slide, the way it felt as Eret thrust against those sensitive nerves, as Hiccup used his thumb to play with her clit, rubbing in time with his thrusts until Astrid was almost mindless with the overload. It was a primal, messy rut, Astrid feeling base in the way both fucked into her, moving quicker and harder as she pleaded for. Eret gripped her hip tighter, other hand sliding around to grope her chest, adding more fuel to the fire that threatened to consume Astrid completely, increasingly overwhelmed by every thrust, every touch of their hands on her skin, even by the heat she felt trapped between two warm bodies.

"Ahhhh- fuck!"

Some kind of half-scream, half pleading cry left her throat as Astrid finally succumbed, jerking and shaking between the two of them, both holding her tighter as Astrid threatened to tip them all onto the floor.

"Oh thank Odin! I was starting to worry I'd go before you."

In her haze, Astrid sort of registered Eret's voice, but mostly she was feeling some pleasant pressure as her body went lax, both men still moving to reach their own ends now Astrid had reached orgasm. She was too raw and hyperstimulated to even think of reaching another, but those last, desperate thrusts and the increasingly needy sounds Hiccup and Eret were making... they were pretty good too.

Hiccup went first; not surprising, she mused, given the earlier blowjob. He came with a shuddering gasp, dissolving into weak, strained moans and groans as he clutched the tops of her thighs, below Eret's hands on her hips. Eret didn't last much longer, bucking as he buried himself deep on each last thrust, grunting before finally slowing to a stop as his sweaty forehead rested between Astrid's shoulder blades.

"Hot fucking _damn_ Astrid, that was something."

"Mhmm" she felt sort of floaty, even though she knew when they pulled out she'd be sore "yeah it was."

Hiccup pulled out first, softening as he slumped back on the sofa and pushed damp hair from his face. Eret, having clearly had anal sex before too, held Astrid with one hand and reminded her to "breathe" as he pulled out, the emptiness jarring her for a minute as he grabbed her and leant Astrid back against the arm of the sofa, somehow moving out of the way without her noticing.

"Well, what's the verdict?"

Astrid frowned at Hiccup.

"The what?"

"You know. This was a test scenario based on the porno... so how was it?"

Oh. Right. Astrid toooootally hadn't forgotten about that. Nuh-uh. Not a chance.

"Uh... yeah. Wasn't bad. She still didn't use any lube."

Eret, having vanished off to the bathroom to deal with his condom mess, returned chuckling.

"I will write to them immediately."

"See that you do."

Hiccup got up next, heading in the direction of clean up himself. Astrid would wait; she needed a shower. Or maybe a bath. Either way, she needed more of a cleaning than those two who just wiped off. Then, because she could, Astrid waited for Hiccup to sit back down before she jogged his memory.

"Is the butter ready yet? I'm starving!"

Hiccup rolled his eyes, hauling himself up from the sofa and ambling over to check on his butter. Out of nowhere, Eret started giggling to himself, eventually dissolving into a fit of laughter that had both Astrid and Hiccup eyeing him in confusion; had he suddenly gone mad?

"What's so funny?"

"It-it's just- that I-I realised something" Eret stopped, drawing a breath in between more snickering laughter "if Hiccup was a porn star, he'd have to be called Hiccup Hardcock!"

-HTTYD-

 **this took way too long to write (like, it was done over about three days) because my ADHD Brain kept running off and refusing to do the writing thing, and so I spent ages on this and I'm behind on everything and yeah brain ruined this so FUCK IT IT'S ALMOST HTTYD3 DAY (no spoilers thank u)**


End file.
